It's been a long, long time since the last time I wrote here. I don't know what I'm going to write here right now, but I feel like I want to write or tell something.
Well, I've told you before that my major in college is no longer "pharmacy". I moved into "english education" in State University of Yogyakarta. Asking why? I just can't tell what exactly makes me really obsessed with english. But however, this is the place I determine to be in, no matter what people think.
People's Judges
At the first time I decided to move--until this time--people always think that I have a 'special destination'. I mean, everybody know that my boyfriend is a college student in Gadjah Mada University, which is also located in Yogyakarta. The university I want to be in is near Gadjah Mada University. Or--at least--they are in the same city. You don't need to take a long time if you need to go to each of these universities.
I always say 'no' at the very beginning, just to make sure that people finally realize that I move just because of my willing. But now, as the time goes by, I don't think that it is important. Well, it still annoys me a lot. In fact, my boyfriend and I do NOT have a regular meeting every day, every week, or every month in Yogya. He is not a man that loves to hang out, go out, or something like that. He loves watching anime, playing WS, YGO *not sure about the card game, I'm not an expert*, so it means that he spend his times a lot in his boarding room.
Sometimes, I want to go for a dinner with him in Yogya. Sometimes, I want to go to the book store for buying a Detective Conan comic that is recently released or some other novels. Sometimes, I need to be accompanied to go to the bus station in Giwangan. Sometimes, I don't ask anything: he offers himself to be with me everywhere I want to go. At first, I think that is so cute, but suddenly I realize:
I decide to move to Yogya not because of him, right? I found it was hard when we were in long distance relationship. But now, when we are suddenly in the same city, it doesn't mean that I can ask him to come everytime I miss him. People say it is okay to ask your boyfriend everytime you miss him, just for a dinner or a little conversation; face to face. But this time I realize "Just because I'm happy, it doesn't mean he's happy too, being with me, going to some places for having meals, or books"
Stupid Thinking
If he read this post, maybe he will say that it doesn't meant to be like that. He said that he loves me; he's happy if he can accompany me. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in him. I trust him. I just wonder how people's judges affect on him.
I've told you on some previous posts about his hobbies. Sometimes, I almost believe that he changes a lot, becoming a complete stranger that I don't even know who. But I don't want to make it true. He is still the same person as always. Being an otaku or nijikon is not a cruel. I love anime, too. Well, you can't expect me too much; I only understand about Doraemon and Detective Conan. Ah, and Cardcaptor Sakura.
I just... Well, I'm afraid if he really changes, becomes a stranger. One day he says about being a nijikon. Doesn't it mean that you only love character from 2D world? I'll get it if someone being a nijikon while he has no girlfriend. But, what about someone who already has a girlfriend before claiming himself as a nijikon?
I just feel like I'm not a good girlfriend. I feel like I fail at being his girlfriend. I mean, what kind of girlfriend that can be as stupid as I am? What kind of girlfriend that can be as not atrractive as I am so that her boyfriend share his love?
Well, I don't mean to be his number-one-attention always. I just--well, I think--this is what jealous is. I never claim that I feel jealous, I just don't think that I'm jealous. My boyfriend, once, mentioned that I'm jealous, and he said that everything will be fine. But I'm not sure about jealousy. How could I jealous to the anime's character?
어떻게해야하나요? (What Should I Do?)
Yesterday I came with my parents and brother to my father's friend's home. I didn't say a thing, only listened to what adults said on their conversation. My father's friend's son were just like me; moved to another college after a year in a college. This fact made my father told his friend about me. My father and my brother--at last--said that I decided to move so that I can be near by my boyfriend.
I think that was a joke, but it made me felt like I have no other dreams but being with my boyfriend. Yeah, I do love him much. I loved him. Well, I still love him. But I won't be happy if people said that he is the only reason I move to Yogya. Perhaps my sentence in beginning of this post is right: I'm just too obsessed with english. Moreover, I don't know how to keep telling everyone: I just don't feel like it is right to be in my "old" college. Stop. I just don't know how to tell you my feeling.
I really wanted to cry, after my father and my brother said like that. It felt like I'm stupid, the most stupid human you can imagine. I'm too tired to say "no, it is not like that" to everyone who says like that to me. Well, maybe I'm happy I can be in the same city as my boyfriend, but that is not the point.
I sent my boyfriend an instant message, soon after I came home again. I said that it will be okay--I will be fine--if he'd like to pretend that we are still in "long distance relationship". I ask him not to care about me if I want to go to somewhere in Yogya by myself. I ask him not to give me a ride to bus station, book store, or picking me up to my boarding house.
It is a secret, but I think he felt "short distance" troubled him more... Because of me; I always ask him for helping me to accompany me.. I've read it when we were in fight, when we were having some problems :')
Again, I think this is right to me for making a new decision: I think it will be better for him, and for everyone if I decide to pretend that we are in long distance relationship...
I don't want to bring him some difficulties :')
But, guess what? He says, "So what am I as your boyfriend if I always have to let you go by yourself?" In the other words, he will (still) always accompany me, though. I just don't know if I can be this strong or not..
